by Jessica N. Arzola-Grissom
Today, I plan on getting arrested.
Today, I’m going to see how quickly I will become an alcoholic.
Today is the day I will become addicted to cigarettes.
Today is the day I want to add an extra thirty pounds.
I doubt anyone plans those things. When stresses escalate, we often harm ourselves and others. Not that people can’t make changes.
My vice? I’m boring as hell. In college, I experimented very little. I never smoked, drank, vandalized, and barely danced. My husband thought I was good and “wholesome”, until after a few years he got bored with my tedious living. He never said it that way exactly, but I knew.
So, when forty rolled around I decided it was time for something big. After scrolling for a while on an app with “things to do in your area”, I landed on the scariest activity I could find. I’d have to drive an hour to get to my weekly practice, but I signed up and took a deep breath.
When I arrived at the venue, my hands were shaking. I looked up at the tall net and the taller ladder and willed myself to take a few more deep breaths.
I whispered, You can be brave.
He questioned, Why on earth would you want to do it? Are you seriously considering it? Isn’t my opinion of you enough?
I argued, but he shook his head as if he couldn’t believe I wanted to go through with it. I think it unnerved him because it wasn’t something he chose for me, but rather something I chose for myself.
My thoughts were interrupted as the instructor explained how to precisely place one foot in front of the other without looking down. The instructor told me to trust myself. They said the more I trusted my body’s movements, the more it would align with my mind as I walked across. It was rough at first and I’m sure I looked like a mess.
Every week, I explained the issues I had, and the instructor listened with a reaffirming nod. They often asked me what I thought regarding the next steps were to progress. My surprise looks caused the instructor to smile and they told me they think I knew more than I gave myself credit. I started making decisions and setting goals for my new walk. My body got used to the falling sensation and each time it became easier to get back up from the net and start again.
Tales of Maria Spelternini and Pauline Violante inspired my journey. Maria walked across the Niagara gorge on a tightrope. Pauline walked across the River Thames. These women walked the path before me and they lived in their inner light. They had courage and made quite a ruckus. I found myself wondering what truly inspired them to walk above life’s normality. My new vow was to talk kindly to myself with brave words as I practiced.
As I improved walking across the tightrope, the net below appeared less scary. The fear of falling was there, but I had the safety cord attached to my waist. I was feeling invincible as I centered my body mass. Holding the flexible pole became a mental as well as physical stabilizer.
That’s when the instructor informed me of an amazing opportunity. There was a competition to walk across a tightrope mounted between two cliffs. There would be no net underneath, but I still would still be attached with a safety cord. I could prove to myself and others that I had the courage to attempt the unknown.
The day of the competition came quickly. My heart was terrified and daring at the same time, but I knew I’d made the right decision when I gently placed one foot in front of the other. It was exhilarating! I felt the ocean breeze refresh my tired brow. The sun was warm on my skin, and I could see its reflection in the distance. The magic of the moment enveloped my entire being. It was surreal and a quiet knowing that reassured me I was in my element.
You are such a showoff, he whispered.
His voice interrupted my concentration. The unsteady tremble from my feet caused vibrations across the wire. I lost my balance feeling my heart leap inside my chest. Suddenly, I stumbled and managed to hang onto the highwire as my body swung over the raging waters. My mind flooded with shame and guilt for trying.
I held on for dear life. The wind whirled around me and strengthened my grip. Some people gasped, but others laughed. Horrified, I watched a few turn away. They no longer wanted to see what would happen next. Maybe they were afraid I would die, but I was determined to make it out alive.
My hand was raw from holding on so tightly and I could feel a small trickle of blood seeping through my clutched fingers. Taking a deep breath, I released my hand and fell into the icy depths below. At first, my skin burned from the intense cold. My head went under, and I thought about staying there and letting it all go away. Maybe the crowd was right to leave when they did.
That thought only lasted a few seconds as the will to survive burst forth. I had to find a new way to breathe through the cold, but as I lifted my head out of the water, I saw the sunlight again. My body relaxed into a floating position. My bleeding hand started healing in the flowing waters.
While I drifted along, I gazed at the bright blue sky and centered myself in its newfound peace. I let the sunlight fill my being with warmth. It was my first attempt, but I knew it was not my last. I always thought if I fell, I would break. I didn’t. I embraced my new identity. I was a funambulist.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jessica N. Arzola-Grissom lives in a small Texas town with her husband and son. Her story, The Meaning of Ascensión was published in SAGU’s literary journal The Image. Her poem Fireflies was published by the Logo Sophia magazine. If she isn’t writing, she spends her time recording a podcast called The More You Know: Honest Ideas and Practical Tips.
ABOUT THE ARTIST
Mario Loprete, Catanzaro 1968
Graduated from the Academy of Fine Arts in Catanzaro (ITALY)
Painting is his first love of him. An important, pure love. Creating a painting, starting from the spasmodic search for a concept with which the artist wants to convey his message about him, this is the foundation of his painting. Sculpture is his lover, artistic betrayal to painting that voluptuous and sensual lover who inspires different emotions that touch forbidden chords.