Visit mom in her apartment in the continuing care facility she has lived in for the past five years. Clean out the shelves of expired canned goods and vitamins. Roll your eyes at the Beggin’ Strips she put in the crock pot meal, thinking they were bacon. Have a chuckle over mom’s many notes spread around the apartment, including My name is Carlah. My number is 610-363-1826.   

Talk to the social worker at the continuing care facility about mom’s increasingly erratic behavior. Listen as mom’s anxiety increases. Be alarmed when she says she wants to die. Take her to the neurologist for more testing. Hear that her dementia is now classified as “moderate.”   

Decide whether or not to keep her at the continuing care facility, where she will be treated well but forget you as you live too far away for frequent visits. Visit other facilities closer to your home. Realize that she will not do well in an independent apartment, but that a shift to personal care is too drastic. Be persuaded to have her move in with you.   

Put in wall-to-wall carpeting in the upstairs rooms so that the treads of strangers are muffled. Measure the dimensions of the rooms and plan for her furniture in your tiny house. Advertise for caregivers. Screen caregivers. Review caregiver agencies on Google. Call the caregiver agencies, getting information on hours, rates, training. Receive stacks of caregiver literature in the mail. Do hours of basic math to figure out how to pay for the caregivers. Realize you must have caregivers. Know your own limits.   

After the first week of moving mom in, have a panic attack at how much your life has changed. Get over it and adapt. Listen for her step as she comes down the stairs, saying “Good morning!” with a wide smile. Create a schedule alternating between adult daycare and at-home care. Feel good that mom has an active and varied schedule. Get used to thinking about mom before your eyes open and at the close of day. Notice her new interest in coloring books. Make no overnight plans. Continue to research caregivers, because turnover can be high. Be thankful for family.   

After the first year, spend two months planning a two-week vacation that requires family to get involved, because they have been slacking off. Realize that if you are home, you are responsible, and they know it. Enjoy your vacation and hope that no one will call. When they call, tell them what to do. Then ask them to call someone else. When you return home, do not ask for details about what happened during your time away. If mom is alive and well, then all went as planned. Pay lots of money for all the care.   

For the second year, Increase mom’s time at the daycare. It is needed. Add weekend caregivers. Continue to research caregiver agencies. Spend more time reviewing how to pay. Enlist help in tapping her long-term care insurance. Realize it is worth thousands of dollars. Use it now.   

Become irritated at mom’s needs and mom’s repetitions: “Can I go home?” “Is it okay?” “Can we go now?” Push to the back of your mind the mom you knew, the one who you turned to for guidance, the one you took long vacations with. Just keep moving. Get her an ID bracelet with her name and your phone number. Listen as everyone tells you she will start to wander. Get suspicious that mom is not showering, despite her insistence that she does. Help her shower. Then help her change her clothes. Start preparing all the meals. Watch that she doesn’t dump the meals down the toilet. Clean up behind the couch. She is starting to throw dirty tissues and napkins back there.   

Take pictures. Lots of pictures. Don’t forget to take videos so you can hear her voice. It is still musical, even if the words don’t make sense.   

After the second year, spend two months planning another two-week vacation. This time cross the ocean. No one will call over that psychological distance. Be thankful for family. Shell out loads of money for caregivers upon your return because mom now needs 24-hour supervision. Wonder how long this can go on. Recognize your own anxiety and avoid drinking too much.   

Don’t forget about those videos. It will be important.   

Try to deal with mom’s agitation in the third year. Spend hours reading about the stages of Alzheimer’s, as that is her new diagnosis. Modify her medication to deal with sundowning. Work with a new caregiver agency because your old one bailed on you. Be thankful that the new agency is supportive in finding the right caregiver for mom because boy, is she feisty. Consider that now you know how elder abuse occurs. Trust your gut. Keep looking until you find the right person. Angels are out there. Learn new facets of mom’s personality. Wonder if you are good enough to her. Forget what life was like before she came to live with you.  

Start to learn about Depends and other products because mom is now incontinent. Laugh with family at the terrible shit storms you’ve experienced. Start to look into dementia-only care facilities. Abruptly change plans when mom receives her pancreatic cancer diagnosis with two weeks to live.   

Walk in the field amidst head-high grasses, wildflowers, and nettles and look at the trees growing red from the top down. Realize they are not dying, just going dormant. Their life will be renewed. Wonder if the trees represent you, or your mom, and cry.